Considering I have the mechanical aptitude of a rock you may find it ironic that I worked at the local mom and pop hardware store as a kid. Yeah, me! The only person ever turned away by Habitat for Humanity. People would rather live in abject poverty then live in any structure I help build…my tool box has three things in it
1) That claw thingy that you use to hit stuff with.
2) Duct Tape
3) A cell phone
Not very impressive but their is a unique thread that ties together my experiences at the hardware store, the items in my tool box, the iPhone and the cabbage patch doll-mania.
What triggered it was an article I read about the frenzy around the new iPhone, people waiting in lines outside, fist fights, elbow throwing and the sort. Well, it all sort of reminds me of when the Cabbage Patch Dolls were at their zenith, yes, their absolute peak! You could buy a Cabbage Patch Doll just about anywhere and that included the local mom and pop hardware store I worked at, Zettler Hardware in the Great Western Shopping Center in Columbus, OH.
THE PICTURE: One of the first kids to get beat up over the iPhone…nobody likes bragger and when you broadcast that with a shirt…THUMP!
One day I was pretending to help a customer with pipe and fittings when I heard a noise over in the insulation section. The noise was a muffled voice of a lady screaming! Against my better judgment I walked my 5′ 8″, 105lbs frame around to that aisle and sure enough there were two “ladies” rolling around on the floor…they were in full body contact warrior mode…this was what I like to call “THE CABBAGE PATCH SMACKDOWN!!!”
I yelled for help and my coworkers came running; eventually.
First on the scene was Kermit then Kip, Scamp, Ernie and Frank. Kermit (Yeah, that was his real name) was a GEM of a human being. He was an older guy, stood about five foot tall and could tell you how to fix anything and everything under the sun. While the rest of us sort of stood around these two ladies telling them to stop, Kermit got in the middle of it and told them to stop acting like “hooligans” and start acting like “ladies”…oh, if Kermit only would have lived to see Jerry Springer!
When the two were pulled apart they both had scratch marks all over their faces and the one lady lost her “weave”…I laughed pretty hard about this in front of them and stopped quickly when they looked like they might turn on me. Being that I am a lover and not a fighter I decided to hold my laughter until later.
So what were these two women fighting about?
A Cabbage Patch Doll. NOT JUST ANY Cabbage Patch Doll. It was the last one in Zettler Hardware and the only one known to man on the entire west side of Columbus!
Those stupid dolls retailed for almost $50 back then. Today the iPhone retails for around $600 or so. It is cutting edge technology and from one portable piece of technology you can “spin the planet”…High end technology that will be old the minute you buy it.
Sounds like something I’d roll around on the floor with someone over.
The iPhone sucks, and it’s a waste of money. His shirt should say iSuck.
Left by Thomas on June 29th, 2007